Fertility is a personal and emotional thing. Lately, a few celebrities and well-known women have shared about some of their heartache and their journeys. I was of the strong belief you should wait to let people know you are expecting until making it past the first trimester until I went through my own pregnancies.
Did you know, According to the March of Dimes, “as many as 50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage — most often before a woman misses a menstrual period or even knows she is pregnant. About 15-25% of recognized pregnancies will end in a miscarriage.”
It would make sense why so many women wait until the chances of having a successful pregnancy are greater to start telling people and “get your hopes up.”
However, having gone through my own heartbreak, I feel awareness and opening up to others could ease the negative stigma associated with pregnancy loss. So here is our story.
The Lows And Highs Of Starting A Family
When my husband and I first started “trying” to conceive, it took a few months, but we ended up seeing those two lines on the pregnancy test. We were ecstatic! We told our families when I was about 6 weeks (before we had seen the doctor). Then at 7 weeks, I started having pain on one side of my stomach and bleeding. When I went into the doctor’s office to check it out, they told me I had an ectopic pregnancy, and there was no heartbeat. An ectopic pregnancy is a pregnancy in which fertilized egg implants outside the uterus. In my case, it was in the fallopian tube. The fertilized egg can’t survive outside the uterus. If left to grow, it may damage nearby organs and cause life-threatening blood loss to the mother. Essentially it would burst my fallopian tube. It was considered an emergency. I went to the emergency to receive a shot to stop the sack’s growth and help my body absorb it.
It was absolutely heartbreaking. I felt guilty. I wanted to know what I did wrong. What caused this? Afterward, I threw myself into work and other things and never really dealt with the loss. And, yes, it is a loss!
A few months later, I went to lunch with my friend, and she told me she was pregnant with her first baby! I was shocked, not sure why. We got married at the same time, so it made sense they would also be trying. That same day we found out my sister-in-law was also pregnant. All of the feelings I had not dealt with from my loss a few months earlier rocked me like a hurricane! I was inconsolable. No matter how badly I wanted to be happy for them, I couldn’t fake it. I ended up concealing myself from events. I sought counsel from my friend, who I knew had dealt with pregnancy loss also. She listened to all my dark feelings and thoughts. It got so bad; I eventually reached out to a therapist I had worked with before. When I asked to schedule an appointment, she informed me she was on MATERNITY LEAVE!! Was EVERYONE around me pregnant?! I had to laugh at that point.
I decided I needed to give myself grace and allow myself to grieve my loss. I allowed myself to feel all the feelings and then asked God to help me release them. Once I did, I was able to calm my fears. A few months later, we found out we were pregnant with our first son!
Fertility Struggles Followed By Prenatal Diagnosis
When our son was a year old, we started trying again. After one miscarriage and then nothing for about a year, we started getting tests. I had a test done to check to make sure my fallopian tubes weren’t blocked, I had my egg count and fertility numbers checked. My doctors were also finally able to get my thyroid levels in range. I have hypothyroidism, which apparently can increase your chance of miscarriage and a host of other issues. Then I got pregnant! Because of my history with ectopic pregnancies, I get my HCG levels checked early in pregnancy, so make sure everything is progressing. No signs point to pregnancy outside of the uterus. With this one, everything was on the right track, and we got the first two ultrasounds. Like with our first son, we opted for a NIPT test for the pure fact we wanted to know gender right away.
When the NIPT results came back, we were told it was a high probability our baby would have Down syndrome. You can read about our diagnosis story here.
What I Have Learned On My Prenatal Journey
Throughout my prenatal journey, I have learned a lot. I learned is ok to be sad. It is ok to be angry. For me, it is important to face those feelings. When I started sharing about my experience, I found out how “normal” it is. It is also hard to walk around with this giant secret for 8-12 weeks concealed from family and friends. It is like you are walking on eggshells. So I think for those who are comfortable sharing early, it can bring extra support and lighten anxiety feelings. Pregnancy, like life, isn’t perfect. It can be messy and emotional and take you to some dark places, but that is ok! It is also beneficial to have a support system to help when things don’t go the way you hoped. Whatever your journey to make a family looks like, please know not everyone’s family grows the same way. Every family is made in God’s time and in His way. I have learned that and found the beauty in that. I have found beauty in the thought we might adopt. Beauty in knowing God sent the babies meant just for my husband and me. It has not always been easy or all sunshine, but the most beautiful rainbows always come after the storms.
Sharing Our News With You
I wanted to share my story of pregnancy and loss so that those going through similar experiences can find peace in knowing they are not alone. With this, I am delighted to announce that I will be launching my very own blog site this week to share these real-life stories and advice I’ve learned along the way. Stay tuned for when my site is live!
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